I’m Not a ‘real’ “Writer,” but I write anyway; it feels worth it, “delicious & scary” both!”

Hi! Hello! I’m here! Eeeks!

Hi! Hello!!!! I’m Colleen (Lots More about Me)

I feel like I’m on that show “Naked & Afraid,” which I’ve never actually watched, but have heard all about from one of my baby brothers (the one who, if you met, you’d think was my big brother; but that’s for another post). Point is, I feel exposed, afraid, a little lost in the woods.

I guess that’s the point though, right? Dare greatly, or not at all? I don’t know.

Here’s what I know:

I really want to be here. And while Maybe I don’t need my own “Substack,” (noticing of late all the time & genuine pleasure I receive from just reading others),

I too have things to say, to share, to create; words to string together into things that weren’t there before, that are now, somehow “new things” because of the undertaking.

Regardless of my lack of ‘formal training’ in the craft of writing, I kind of love it.

It’s kind-of…brace yourself, “saved me.”

Gross, I know. But no less true. (*I’ll save the “how” it’s done this for another post).

I spent the last three or so decades forgetting; forgetting that I loved to write, just for the sake of it, for the freedom of it; for the experimentation, the surprise, the feeling of “aliveness,” of being in touch with something deep & true; something that felt utterly inaccessible at any other time

(except perhaps lately, walking in the woods, but still not quite the same.)

If you’re a writer, (& chances are, if you’re here, you are, then I bet you know what I mean.)

So, I just want to put out a first post because I keep overthinking it to death & driving myself to madness. This is super funny & not funny as I am a therapist, so maybe I should know better (than to overthink). And of course I do, but I remember I can’t “think myself safe.”

I tell myself “I’m having the thought that I suck.” 😂 That it’s “just a thought, and I am not this thought,” (to distance myself from becoming it) but still, it lingers.

I feel it, viscerally. So, I must use all the ‘neat little tools’ I share with my clients; that I practice myself many times a day.

I remember I must go slow, take small incremental, titrated steps when the stakes feel high.

And for whatever reason…[Soul chimes in: “she knows the reason”] the stakes for me to actually put my words out here, in this space, feel high. (Most especially now that I have really dug in to the wicked talent of others. It’s ridiculous. Y’all are so funny, smart, & creative. It seems everyone has some unique ‘something or other’ to offer, an astute command of this (to me technically challenging platform). So many of you are making this your living, giving something of “value;” something that can be depended upon, anticipated with some degree of regularity. So, no pressure or anything. Ha!

*I now wake up like a 5yr old on Christmas morning hoping there’s a new post from Jeannine Oullette @“Writing in the Dark”to dig in to, or even comments on her stack to peruse.

Others too. I think I will dedicate a forthcoming post just to gushing about the gifts other SS’s are giving me. (Yes, when I Love something, I Gas it up!) (That’s my 14 yr old leaking out there. Ha!)

I am So Grateful. So Excited! Renewed in some inexplicable, in-articulable way, And.

And in the spirit of the “Both/And;”

This has only amped up my imposter syndrome, released the whole screaming lot of preschoolers that run my subconscious. They think I’m ridiculous to even try. They plead with me not to bother. Shriek at me “You’ll only disappoint,” (myself & anyone else who reads.)

But Perhaps.

Perhaps I just take this one tiny step & see what happens before I catastrophize?

Perhaps instead of ‘doubling down on doom,’ I take a chance on creation?

After all, I’m here, we’re all here, together, on this hot rock, swirling around, for who really knows how, or what ultimate purpose, (connection? love? experience?) and that’s something, yes?

Perhaps reality itself is both open to interpretation & a relational construct?

A mystery that exists in the spaces between?

Perhaps sharing our sense of reality makes us feel a little less crazy?

Maybe.

I consider:

Perhaps this all endears me a little to some struggling somebody?

Some sweet somebody who isn’t stumbling at all, but can still relate to what it’s like to care about something so much that you don’t even try because you’re afraid you will really suck at it, and THEN WHAT?! (The 4 year olds gasp in unison “We told you so!!!)

Yes, I know I’m not supposed to care if anyone likes me at all, or cares a hoot (see, who uses this word?🤦‍♀️) what I have to say, write, offer, think, heaven forbid “teach”🫣 but alas, I remind myself I am not exempt from simply being human, from giving varying degrees of shits. I remember that I am not exempt from shame, imposter syndrome, guilt, embarrassment, regret, grief, anger, disappointment, wanting “do-overs.”

So I’m saying Yes to “messy brave action,” and no to more “do-overs” (at least on this first post. HA! I can’t admit how many versions I’ve written now, but it’s laughable. But hey, laughing is great.)

And I’m So over “over-doing.”

(I didn’t even intend to write that, but I’m so happy it spilled out as it IS true, and it brings me finally to:

WHY I am even here in the first place, So, While I Love my Private 1:1 Practice as a Trauma Therapist, I feel a strong pull to share in a new way; along with more of me than the seat of therapist allows, my Love for Writing, & How it’s healing me.

WHY I LOVE Writing:

It helps me FEEL; make (some) sense, brings me Unexpected Delights, introduces me to Truth (if i dare to look), offers Connection (to the center of me, to patterns in nature, to the center of others that “light me up,” feel like mirrors); helps me get over myself already (sometimes ;-); to stop pretending

WRITING:

• Allows me to re-write the narratives of my life;

• to turn “contamination stories” into “redemption” stories (see the work of @Dan McAdams, PhD)

• Takes away my victimhood by opening space for new possibilities;

• Gives ME back My Own Attention; the currency of relationship.

• [Attention is our most valuable commodity;

• the unknown, but finite resource none of us know how much we will get, or have left.]

• How Much of Your Own Attention do You Allow Yourself to have?

• How Much Space do you open up for what You Love, for What Lights you up?

• If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU.

• You have defined yourself as having many formidable traits,

• but more than this, you have given me your Valuable Attention.

• Hopefully, I’ve inspired some worthy inquiry for you,

• (& you’ve felt your own attention in some small way) or at least you felt my genuine “Hello!”

Along with writing for myself, I hope my future offerings will bring something of value to my readers.

HERE’S WHY I THINK YOU SHOULD READ MY WORDS:

• *This will be a space for me (& you) to refreshingly just “Be,”

• to share in a ‘behind the scenes,’ ‘under the covers’ (ha!) ‘kinda way’

• (as a Trauma Therapist, Mom, ‘sometimes Poet,’ “Noticer,” & especially, self-identified, “mEsSy Human” who’s been through a host of her own *$hit.) *This Encourages You to do the Same ;-)

• *You can expect many of the cool life-saving Nervous System Tools I’ve learned,

• & a bit about why I Had to use them in the first place.

• (Teaser: I was hit by an industrial van in 2018).

*Yes, I geek out about the Brain, the Nervous System, Poly-Vagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges)

• *Also likely Attachment Theory, (See work of John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth) &(NPR Quiz Here ) Internal Family Systems (Dr. Richard Swartz) with

• *the occasional odd meandering into:

• “Spiritual Witchy 5-D Woo-stuff” that I’m finding actually links to Quantum theory and particle physics and something my favorite Grief Counseling teacher, Dr. Franz called “Tuning Theory.”

• *I will share my Nourishing Routines, how I’ve made them gifts instead of obligations,

• & be honest about how I “miss them when I miss them.” Ha.

• *I am a 200 hr Yoga Teacher who mostly succeeds with her “MDR’s” (Minimum Daily Requirements) so I’ll share what that looks like, along with my easy way in to Mindfulness & Meditation.

• (Hint: Breathing & our Senses are Everything :-)

• *There will no doubt a splattering of my nerdy ‘loves,” & misc. incidentals like:

• what makes a “drool worthy vanilla custard,” my favorite smells, (cedar, leather, pine, bourbon, coffee) how I love car washes, & the old recipe for McDonald’s fries, but now I think they taste like “chemical ewe; “how I love music & can memorize lyrics, but not who sings the songs (working on this), practices that I treasure like my daily trek to the same Oak Tree daily, misc. shares about being a Mama to 4 kiddos (ages 14-33) & raising my nephew age 8, places I’ve traveled to already or that are on my list; honestly could be any random thing like my favorite sweater or how scooping up mammoth swaths of my Golden Retriever’s hair each morning can set me off if I’m not present. ;-) & faithful to what I know keeps me in my preferred space.

• *Also some shares of things that find me sobbing in the middle of a parking lot (See: Andrea Gibson’s “Acceptance Speech After Setting the World Record in Goosebumps” (See her Substack here: (Andrea Gibson)

• *And Of course ALLLLL about Writing!!! Eeks!!!

• (Teaser: I was bed bound so after roughly 6 months of crying,

• I picked up the pen & crazy Poems starting pouring out of me!😮 And while I didn’t love what they had to say & especially didn’t think they were good, I found they were somehow making me feel… well, everything; every damn thing I hadn’t allowed myself up until then.)

• [Turns out there is a host of research on this & I want to take writing every, and anywhere]:

• *The practice of Morning Pages,” (See: “The Artist’s Way,” by Julia Cameron) “Gratitude storms,” (See: Gabby Bernstein), writing illegible ramblings (aka: “scribble thoughts,” my own term); old fashioned letters, Poems!

• (Oh! This is a Juicy spot right here! Lots of new friends in this space! I’ve met so many Creatives! I can recommend safe online gatherings, in-person retreats, etc.;) there are the therapeutic/research angles on how writing truly is a practice for healing, for re-wiring, for organizing mixed up traumatic memories, making sense of them, releasing our sense of “bad,” “wrong,” “broken,” “guilty.” There is writing for feeling the unfelt, and releasing it, which can help us let go of actual physical pain; And lest I not forget my new love affair of learning the “Lyrical Essay,” & the “craft” of writing from Jeannine Oullette’s Substack. (“Writing in the Dark”

*So here’s to: All the Words…Writing them, reading them, experimenting with them, communing with them, being fed by them, getting lost in them, and yes, corny but true, found in & by them. :-)

LOVE you ALready!!!

Xoxo,

C