THIS SHOULD BE A NEWSLETTER 🫣😂🤷‍♀️

♥️ ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF how it FEELS to BE in YOUR LIFE?

Hello my faithful friends, readers new & old!

You have been so very patient (this is the story I’m choosing to tell myself “on purpose” 😉 to be in gratitude rather than shame over not having written to you in so long! 🫣) (but does it count if I have 22 unfinished drafts?🤦‍♀️)

Though of course you have likely no doubt been up to living your very own lives! 😂 Perhaps writing your own newsletters, hopefully enjoying your own summers? Maybe even, like me, managing a heap of ‘everything, always’ #allatonce (or so it seems anyway).

Sometimes I joke that when I said I wanted to ‘level up’ my timeline that it was misinterpreted to mean ‘mesh them all together so she lives many lives at once, & sometimes on the same day!’ 😂

Gosh, I’m sounding like quite the ‘martyr-diva,’ huh? Forgive me!

HOW ARE YOU FEELING THESE DAYS? I sincerely would LOVE to know! Tell me any & all the things! Especially about your Heart.♥️

I have a whole stretch of 5 days coming up next week where I will, in fact be indulging in time away from my usual M-F responsibilities (which have become too outlandish to even detail to you.) 😆

Yes! I’m thanking past me who signed up for this before life became wildly out of control; past me who remembered that play & rest should Not be optional,

but are in fact life-saving FUEL.

So, come Monday, I will be headed to the woods to learn the craft of writing with

Writing in the Dark with Jeannine Ouellette

😆 to connect with new friends & fellow creatives, to revel in nature, soak up music, practice yoga, sleep, listen to birds, cry, laugh, walk, perhaps even literally jump in the Lake! Ha!

Yes, while my M-F’s have become outlandish (absent a positively enchanting, ‘pinch me, is this even real?!’ solo girls trip I took to:

Maya Stein

’s “Toad Hall” with my poet sister

Jenn Dessert

which I WILL write about very SOON (from a different space),

✨I have PAUSED.✨

✨I have remembered. ✨I have returned.✨

And so here I am to offer you a snippet, just a window to peek into & see how a lot of my summer felt… Before I Paused.

Let’s just say that I’m not lying when I tell you that on one particular morning, (just before I’d left for Maya’s in Maine)

when I simply could not bear the thought of starting my day~

before I’d even sipped coffee, or stretched, or felt my own heart beat or breath~

knowing that I’d first be hurdling kitchen gates to then surely step in puppy poop (because somehow we had agreed to sitting my oldest daughter’s new rescue…again? 🤔 ),

& then next be finagling to find a way to feed, water & potty this little pooch, while surely, simultaneously doing the same for my ‘scared to death of small dogs’ (due to previous encounters) 9yr old golden retriever,

so that I could then pivot & quickly turn to take my 92 year old father’s blood pressure (so that I might determine if he should take a med & if so how much),

to then wrangle ‘said Daddy’ up a quick tea & banana (before the more robust breakfast I’d be preparing for my 9yr old nephew) so that he wouldn’t be taking his 3rd course of antibiotics on an empty stomach…

all while fielding questions from the two of them

(& possibly my 15 year old daughter too, the one that I try so, so hard to make sure doesn’t feel lost in the shuffle, missing her ‘Mama’

that I….

wait for it~🫣

popped out my bathroom screen to escape onto the teeny deck of my ‘out of commission’ hot tub 🫣

in order to…

Yes, Simply~BREATHE,

& feel

the sun on my flesh first,

first & before I laid face down on my Yoga mat next to the tiny patch of chocolate spearmint I’d whiff;

the very same growing by the shed in front of my little grotto with the colored gems from that trip to we all took to Arkansas, the one where we brought home the stone-colored Buddha,

who now trickles water by splattering plops into the small pond where tadpoles turn to the frogs, that if I’m especially lucky,

will serenade me to sleep on summer nights.

And I can laugh about this now. But that day?

Well, it felt like wild & desperate escape. It felt like running for my very life to choose me first.

Crazy, huh? And yet, with a little distance & some much needed perspective that has afforded me access to my humor, to compassion, to ‘wonder-brain’ that invokes my curiosity which is always a bridge~

I now, I have settled in to the larger landscape, the “BOTH/AND” truth that makes space for the mayhem and the magic that this really is~

ALL of IT.

And by “all of it,”

I’m now realizing that the “mayhem & magic” were & are,

not just on that morning,

but my whole, epically-full, brimming to overflow, juicy, sometimes sour and hard to swallow, (much less stomach,) but often so, soooo sweet & ‘blinding bright with light, love & laughter it bowls me over’ …#life.

And even in Maine, when it felt like ONLY MAGIC 🪄 ~when it felt like I’d snuck through some porthole (instead of a screen😂) where the buzz of furry black bumbles busy on gooseneck loosestrife swaying in the breeze was the only sound I heard while writing under an apple tree in front of a blueberry bush;

unless of course there was a hummingbird by the salvia, or the voice of Maya Stein!! (the Literal Poet Laureate of Maine) offering me a freshly plucked cherry tomato and a couple of snap peas!!!!! 🤯🤗✨😆🥰

[Gosh! I want to write about this ENTIRE TRIP!!! Surreal. And Next Up.]

But to my point~ EVEN WHEN that 👆 was my experience, in the recesses of my heart, & back at home~

there was MUCH ELSE that did Not feel very MAGIC (& some that did) but either way, was out of my current focus.

It occurs to me for Not the first time that where we place our FIERCE ATTENTION becomes our WORLD. Because what we FOCUS on EXPANDS.

And it doesn’t mean that while we’re immersed in grief or turmoil that there is no beauty, or that love or delight has ceased to exist, but rather, perhaps we are not ‘noticing’ it. Perhaps, we are simply not giving it ANY of our attention.

(And this isn’t necessarily out of malicious intent or neglect; for the same is true when we are immersed in Joy, reveling in ecstasy, saturating in solitude, frolicking in blissed out laughter with friends, yes? Even when we are immersed in Magic, the Mayhem is still afoot to some degree. It’s what we signed up for agreeing to the whole ‘becoming human thing.’ 🤷‍♀️

So, here’s the thing,

turns out, at 54, I don’t KNOW,

like really KNOW, deep in my marrow~a lot of things, (a whole lot of things😂)

But it turns out~

I’m More than OK with that. I’ve actually decided that it’s MUCH more FUN to be OPEN; to be LESS CERTAIN. It’s far more adventurous! And like

Maya C. Popa

says, loosely, ‘there is nothing more dangerous or harmful than our certainties.’

Or more directly:

“Nothing, not one thing, hurts us more—or causes us to hurt others more—

than our certainties.

The stories we tell ourselves about the world and the foregone conclusions with which we cork the font of possibility

are the supreme downfall of our consciousness…

In our effort to parse the world, we sever ourselves from the full range of its beauty,

tensing against the tenderness of life.“

—-Maria Popova, The Marginalian

but one singular thing I AM CERTAIN of is this:

I want to BE PRESENT to my life, to life itself, while I’m alive.

I KNOW that I want to SAVOR my moments while I’m here.

Maybe not be pulling escape hatches 😂 literally & figuratively jumping out of windows to avoid what is in front of me (for whatever reason). Gahhhh!!!

No. I want to FEEL. I want to Genuinely FEEL alive in the Experience of my life. I want to notice my SENSES. I want to Feel “at choice,” autonomous, purposeful, Grateful.

I don’t want to live only in my head spinning dark & scary narratives under the punishing tyranny of a cruel master that only tells the most contaminated version of the story; my story.

This is My Story after all, yes?

So don’t I want to be a main character I like, would root for?

An underdog I can’t wait to see rise up?😃

Triumph in the end? With a blood & mud & tear-stained wrinkled face if it’s to be, but in the end~ smiling, with shimmering eyes for having LIVED;

for having dared to TRY for what matters to her wild, but Wise Soul

& without question, for having LOVED? ♥️

YES DAMMIT!

And So, here I am to share:

this is why I Build the CAPACITY~through SELF-CARE via RESOURCES & RITUALS so that I can BE in Community, in service, in the world & STAY in Touch with MY own SACRED, CENTERED SELF.

Because I Need to FEEL ‘resourced’ so that I might:

NOTICE all that is SACRED right in front of my Very Eyes.

SACRED. That word that is just one letter away from Scared.

Scared as in afraid, fearful, trembling, wanting to hide or escape; or in some cases fight, or ‘over-perform,’ please, appease…

Aren’t there just so many ways we abandon ourselves when afraid? Aren’t there just so many ways our reptile brains try desperately to keep us alive?

INDEED there are!

[BELOW IS A COPY/PASTE of my MOST RECENT NOTE in case you missed it. It explores a bit from a nervous system lens, our ‘default coping’…

✨ON DEFAULT PATTERNS, a METAPHOR, ME & a BREATH QUOTE✨

What is your default Auto-pilot? That out-dated pattern you pick up because at one point in time it was Life Saving?

Are you a ‘breath-holder’ (like me)? (turns out there’s a science behind this!) So you can Stop shaming yourself.😉

Are you someone who goes into ‘over-drive?’ (And hey, aren’t most of us hard pressed to Not live in this space in this culture to begin with?)

Do you try to control the uncontrollable, thinking if you just kept busy, focused, ‘doing, doing, doing’ everything would be ok?

Do you over-perform for others, saying “yes” before you even check in with your own “capacity” (body, schedule, well-being, etc.)?

Do you stay silent to keep the peace?

Listen more to the voices in your head that criticize and shame you…compare and expect perfectionism, than you do to your Heart, to your Gut/your intuition, your own Wise Centered Soul?

😧 When life gets extra scary & makes more demands of you, do you forget about caring for yourself, spending time with your body, your breath, your senses; with nature & what brings you joy & settles your Soul, & instead pick up that never-ending ‘to-do’ list, orienting only to task after grinding task, forgetting all about your ‘being?’

Forgetting even to drink, eat, sleep, look up, out, or even exhale?

When life gets scary, unpredictable, ‘busy’ (loathe that word), extra demanding…

WHAT IS YOUR GO-TO DEFAULT PATTERN? Is it Still Serving You?

✨✨✨It’s a game-changer to believe more than one thing can be TRUE at the same time. That there is No escaping being human no matter what we think we “know.” That a pattern that was once life-saving can now be holding us back, harming us even.

That our ancient brains will ALWAYS default to Surviving over Thriving. That we can re-wire our systems with compassion & consistency, give ourselves an “upgrade” as it were~

where Safety & Thriving are no longer at odds.🤗 ✨✨✨

💡I call this the miraculous revelation of “Practice makes Possible.”

And who doesn’t want to live in “Possibility?”

(There’s nervous system terms too like ‘titration & pendulation’ which speak to Not expecting to overhaul your Entire life in one day…say on January 1st 😂. Our brains code the Familiar as SAFE, so we need to go SLOW to go Fast.)

Here’s a TINY Metaphor for PATTERNS & then I’ll share Mine with a QUOTE from James Nestor on Breath.

PERFECT for me, a Chronic Breath Holder, but I’m Practicing. 😉

📖 At first, we do things Unconsciously. We don’t even know we are doing a thing that is harming us a bit, holding us back, contributing to our suffering, our ill-health, our ‘dis’-ease. We aren’t even aware there is another choice. 🤔

Then, at some point, for a myriad of reasons, we might realize “this isn’t working.” This is just…I can’t go on like this! 😩 (Let’s pretend we keep ‘forgetting’ to bring gym attire…& we try to run in heels 👠😂)

*Reader, this whole notion is outlandish, as I can no longer run, nor wear heels, but stay with me.😂

So we ‘try on something new.’ And while it serves the purpose, (to stay with this clothing metaphor…while we’re now dressed appropriately for the occasion at hand perhaps)~

Well, we just don’t ’feel’ comfortable. It doesn’t fit at first. Even though we’re ‘supposed to’ wear sneakers on the trail, they’re giving us blisters; & it’s not our ‘look.’ So now we’re walking funny & in pain & we feel self-conscious too!

Well, a part of that is~like anything new~they feel still & awkward because we haven’t broken them in yet! (Just an example folks).

(But just as lots of us have our favorite shoes or joggers, or that pair of jeans that fit just right~it’s the wearing of them that made them so, molded them to our shape, though, right?) And of course, not everything will be our favorite. And WE Get to Decide!

And at some point, some new things DO become our favorite!

And sometimes this happens before we even realize it! Before we Even take notice that we’re reaching for that same hoodie, those same pj bottoms…until heaven forbid!

We’ve left them at the camper, or they’re in the wash! “Shit! But I NEED to take them on this trip!” 🫣😂 or Sometimes we’ve Very Much on purpose tried on many different hoodies, gym shoes, pj bottoms …and selected the ones that felt soft, cozy, had pockets, were our favorite color, reminded us of that Christmas …& we know when we ‘select’ that particular one…

we will FEEL at home in our bodies. We will feel safe & cozy & most ‘ourselves.’

So Here’s the Pathway: Unconscious Incompetence; Conscious Incompetence; Conscious Competence; Unconscious Competence (you don’t need to memorize this😂)

(And you might notice my quasi metaphorical example flipped the last 2 around because I don’t think things have to always fit neatly in order…just like life.

And also~this is not a “one & done” but cycles…

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A REPEATED PATTERN, REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. THIS IS A PART OF BEING ALIVE.)

🙉 So, to ME & MY DEFAULT PATTERN:

Initially, I don’t even notice I’m running on ‘auto-pilot;’

That Adrenaline & cortisol have defaulted as my fuels;

that I’m trying to control uncontrollable things;

that I’ve stopped being easy-breezy, spontaneous, & fun.🫣

And I’ll even admit there was a time when this felt, idk, somehow ‘validating’ to my sense of control & competence; this ‘brass-tax,’ no-time to fool around persona.

And Surely, it was my duty as a nurse, therapist, daughter, niece, mother, sister, aunt, wife, friend, citizen-to care & do #allthethings possible.

(Especially so during very personal time periods in my life when scary things were happening with the people I loved & I was panicking.)

So in truth, there was a time reader, a place, & many circumstances where my “Default patterns” were indeed LIFE SAVING.

Not only to me, (because they kept me from realizing the gravity of many things that would have ‘took me out’) but for those in my care, because I was competent in areas of need & I cared. I cared & I cared & I cared.

This is simply FACTS. AND. AND.

There Also came a time when the COST became too high~ for ME.

It is STILL True that I Care & have Competence in areas where I am Needed.

It is STILL BOTH TRUE that this default way of being is life-saving & too costly.

My ways can still be life-saving, just not for me.

Not anymore.

And hiding from my feelings; from the ‘here & now’ of my life?

Well, these default practices are simply physiologically, energetically, mentally, spiritually, & relationally far too expensive.

Now, the scales have tipped and the COST to me is too high.

And at the same time, while I don’t want to “pay it~”

I still default here. After all, it is what my system memorized.

And this is OK.

I have stopped shaming myself for this.

Well, mostly. 😉

I leave more room for just being human now.

And the details of allll of this & the more comprehensive neurobiology of it are for another missive.

But for now, I offer you HOPE. If you are in a scary place, I remind you there is a way out and it is through self-COMPASSION and PRACTICE.

Simple practices. (And I’ll be SHARING So Much More with you on these 🤗)

♥️ For NOW, I INVITE you to simply (yet Powerfully)~

PAUSE & NOTICE YOUR BREATH.

And before I leave you with James Nestor’s words, I want to share with you:

simply PAUSING to NOTICE is a RESOURCE.

Pausing Creates SPACE for CHOICE,

which RESTORES Your Autonomy.

(The VERY OPPOSITE of Trauma Physiology which is reactive, subconscious, automatic).

“Pausing is a PATTERN INTERRUPT.” (From the Genius, Wise Sarah Tacy)

So Right here, Right now~

Notice you are Alive & Your Body is Breathing for you.

And Maybe give yourself permission to smell something Yummy

(*because smell is the swiftest sensory route to re-setting the nervous system).

*then let me know if this helped at all!

ps-I’m so excited to be sharing some FREE EPIC RESOURCES with you from my FAVORITE Nervous System teacher. But for now:

JAMES NESTOR on BREATH:

“In transporting the breath, the inhalation must be full.

When it is full, it has big capacity.

When it has big capacity, it can be extended.

When it is extended, it can penetrate downward. When it penetrates downward, it will become calmly settled.

When it is calmly settled, it will be strong and firm. When it is strong and firm, it will germinate.

When it germinates, it will grow. When it grows, it will retreat upward. When it retreats upward, it will reach the top of the head.

The secret power of Providence moves above.

The secret power of earth moves below.

He who follows this will live. He who acts against this will die.

—500BCE ZHOU DYNASTY STONE INSCRIPTION”

Xo,

Colleen

James Nestor’s book “Breath”