Does Nakedness Make Us Braver?
A new word & some maybe wisdom from a writer, a poet, a philosopher, a money coach & me
So today I was hit with a ‘truism’ that I’ve heard many times before. However, today, it came at me from an unexpected source, in a totally different (on the surface) context, and, therefore, it took on a slightly different, if not expanded meaning.😄 (Don’t you just Love when that happens?!) I felt a tingly little buzz; a sort of inkling to: hurry up and scribble a few things down; some connections I was making, that I’d maybe explore later.
So here I am, doing this with you! I’m bothering to loop you in on these musings of mine, as I feel these themes are important to consider as we all try our best at this “humaning’ thing we’re doing.
To start in the middle, 😂
I recently heard this word “Tuibian” form Laurie Oaks 27 Powers, who credited Mark Nepo, who I just adore, (“The Book of Awakening” among others). See: Poet, Teacher, Author with introducing her to the word. (And don’t you just LOVE new words?)
Ok. So, this word came to be, as she tells it, because Mark was with his Chinese translator looking for how to say “disrobe;” Not as in “take off your clothes,” but rather as in: “take off your mask,” “transform,” “be vulnerable.” So Mark’s Chinese translator replies, roughly with😂 “Ahh, we have a word for this, Tuibian.” Immediately, I fell in love with this word. I fell in love with the fact that there is just one singular word in another language that captures a very specific concept in English. So, of course, I pretend I know how to pronounce it. 😂 (Even though I did look it up, I dare say my rendition sounds more French than Chinese). Nonetheless, this has not deterred me. I’ve already used it in two poems. And here I am now, telling you all about it. It would seem, I’m shameless. lol (Or maybe I’m just obsessed with disrobing.)🤣
I’m obviously in need of a snack or something as clearly I’m getting punchy. I shall grab a morsel and persist. Ok. So, on with it!
We have my percolating obsession with the lovely word “Tuibian” since it visited my ears, and graced my tongue, and lips, and then today…
The truism. Today’s truism came to me through a lovely, but on the surface unexpected source, Kate Northrup, during her free launch of her “Wide Receiver” program (which will funnel folks in to her “Relaxed Money” Program). I Love (love) Kate too, but I’m not trying to advertise here, no commissions, just telling a story.😉
So what did Kate say? Ok.
Here it is: “Shame cannot exist in the Light.”✨🙌🏼
Whew! You see, this is a Big one for me, personally. And because of this, it turns out, my personal semantic network associates this word with my own verbal/emotional data bank: namely, Substance Abuse; Addiction. And without delving down a whole detailed rabbit hole here, (as my intent is Not for this post to focus on how to treat or behave toward addiction.) I will, still, in the name exploring the notions of “Tuibian,”disrobing, shame, and bringing things to Light, share a few personal tidbits.
Because Kate was referring to that too: sharing in safe community. She was commenting on how people sharing their money stories in the closed group container allowed for this unexpected (to her) healing of shame. Wow, huh? (The things we hide because we think we are all alone.) And as a therapist, I know that we are harmed interpersonally, and we heal that way too; key emphasis put on the word “safe.”
(*And to this end, I want to say that in the NARANON Community (link Here), there is this acronym “SESH” that stands for “Sharing Experience, Strength, and Hope, and this is what I am doing here. I am not offering up professional, or any kind of advice. Just sharing. Also, I am also Not suggesting it’s safe to disclose all of your deepest shames here, or anywhere to anyone, in the name of anything. *
You Get to Decide If and When it is Safe & appropriate for you to share.)
So yes, I am a Very humbled, and ridiculously blessed Mama of a now thriving adult child in (sustained) recovery. I personally don’t speak or write about our story, (haven’t until now, actually) because I see it as largely his to tell. That said, he knows my ‘work in progress’ on a memoir, which will include details of this time in our lives, in the hopes of helping others, and healing bits of me. And he, himself, has spoken publicly about his harrowing, if not miraculous journey (which began some 16 or so years ago now,) in public community forums, in the spirit of aiding county recovery program efforts.
While he is thriving now, there were many years on end, where this was the very furthest thing from the case; where shame was so much a part of the cycling; for both of us. And I remember, very distinctly, the day (one of many days over the course of more than a dozen rehab stays), I sat with a group of family members and heard these words uttered: “Shame cannot exist in the Light,” and “Addiction feeds off of shame.” (Addiction thrives off of isolation and darkness). They were shared as an instruction for us to bring the substance use, the relapse, (which was expected in early recovery) into the Light, but to do so Not in “confrontation,” from a place of judgment, but instead, with concern, & care: with what she called a “carefrontation.”🤯
I can only say, it was a game changer for me; for us. Equipped with this frame, we didn’t have to hide or pretend anymore; (Not that we ever “had to,” but that was the ridiculous cycle we found ourselves in.) And then, I realized, we didn’t need to argue. Or at least I didn’t. (He would still deny some of the time, but nothing to prove, I no longer debated what I knew to be true). I knew what I knew, and this allowed me to keep my safe boundaries, rather than enter fruitless debates with his disease (which sought only to protect itself). No. I had decided to do my very best to separate my son as a person, from his disease; something I had not, in all honesty, been very good at, up until this point. I still stumbled of course. I had my own work to do, as we all do. However, this notion of shame, and the disease ‘thriving in the darkness,‘ really got to me. I did Not want to hasten my son’s death by contributing to making his addiction cozy in the darkness. Nope. I wanted to shine the Light. And-in all honesty, connection in community (with ‘safe others’ who were struggling similarly) where I could “Tuibian,” was a relief. I dare say, it saved me.
*And so there we have it: my word inspired road trip.😂 I began this post by asking: “Does nakedness make us braver?” I think my answer is: “Sometimes it does.” I think it’s one ingredient anyway. I think we need the right conditions for a personal ‘felt sense’ of safety in order to ‘disrobe.’ I also believe that the very act of doing so & making a connection with others in the doing, is an affirmation of sorts; that yes, can fortify us, make us feel ‘braver.’ I also think it helps if love is there. (And there are sooo many types of love, that our language simply can’t capture with this one word.)
So I’ll just end by asking, “What do you think?”
And one of my favorites:
“Being deeply Loved by someone gives you Strength,
while Loving someone deeply gives you Courage.” Lao Tzu,
Thanks for reading!
Xo,
Colleen