A Holograph of Grace

then, there; here, now (after Maya Stein’s “right here, right now” prompt)

Photo by Photoholgic on Unsplash

Hello my loves! How are your Hearts? ♥️ I hope you are tending to them first. As my wise, sweet nervous system teacher, Sarah Tacy reminds me,

“self-care is community care.”

And while caring for our own sacred selves has gone from being a preposterous notion, to dubbed a lavish indulgence, to now landing somewhere in the land of clichés- my intention for this newsletter at its inception was to share my love of nervous system work with you,

I therefore feel inspired to pass along a truth I’m finally coming to honor, one that lives in our sensory bodies; one rooted in our physiologies.

✨But first- for those who are here for Only Prose Poetry, scroll allll the way down to the bottom where you will find some.

And if you’re here for Nervous System talk, sidle up & get cozy.

Now, to that nugget of truth I’m inspired to share:

“We can only give & receive

from the level of our (nervous system’s) felt sense of safety.”

When I first heard this, it was a 🤯 & then a 🥰& then some 🤪😢🫣😂 Because at first I felt relieved, but then I had to account for what I could do about it then. How could I learn, from my nervous system’s lens, from my body’s POV, what “safe” truly feels like for me?

Part of this inquiry led to me gently asking myself, as I do now, to anyone who might also want to consider:

How am I supposed to feel “safe” in a state of chronic depletion?

And by “safe,” I mean not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, soulfully.

By Safe, I mean:

• “secure” and rooted in who we are

• that we have “plenty” within us & around us to meet our needs as they arise, moment by moment

• with confidence that we can “show up” as we ‘truly are’

  • which is to say that we are not bending, or shape-shifting ourselves to “fit” what others want us to be, but rather, feel able to “be” our true selves.

  • And in being this ‘self,’ we are not preoccupied with losing either a relationship with another or with ourselves.

• “safe” means we feel connected to others

  • maybe not every single moment, but are able to rest in the awareness that we have trusted “others” in our lives we can ‘belong with,’

  • that we don’t need to change ourselves to ‘fit in’ with, or become someone else for.

• safe means we are not constantly meeting the needs of others before our own,

  • or saying ‘yes’ on auto-pilot without consideration for our own bodies, minds, hearts.

• safe is practicing ‘sovereignty’ while maintaining ‘interconnection;’ not thoroughly cutting of either in the tending to the other

• safe means we “allow” ourselves access to “choice”

  • rather than all the ‘musts’ & ‘have to’s;’ double-binds & ‘auto-pilots’ that run unconsciously but deeply,

  • directing most of our behavior & feeding our worst fears of separation & scarcity

Choice. The very Opposite of Trauma.

Maybe I’ve shared this before, but a simple definition for “stress” that I love is:

• Stress is having more “demands” than current “resources.”

• Helpful synonyms for me were: more ‘expectations’ than ‘capacity;’

• More ‘responsibilities’ than ‘bandwidth.’

✔️✔️✔️

And what happens when we chronically override our own system’s resources, capacities, bandwidth?

Depletion. (Of course there is a series of things, in fact a cascade that precedes this. But for today: depletion.)

Which, I’m not sure how it ever got written in to our collective DNA, (especially certain sub-sets of us 😉)

~that to ‘run ourselves into the ground’ in service to others at any cost, even if it means we are sleep-deprived, miserable, unfulfilled, emotionally exhausted, mentally drained, physically weak, energetically nill, joyless, uninspired & in some cases, seriously ill~with dis-ease(s) is somehow….

is it noble? admirable? honorable? pious? Are we seeking forgiveness? exoneration? approval? praise? acceptance? belonging?

Do we think we are care-“giving” to do this to ourselves? To give & give & give until we are in a state of depletion?

I’ll be honest with you, on a subconscious level, I did. I have this programming. But I’ve brought it into the light now. I’ve done this with intention & compassion.

I’ve made a decision that I want to live a conscious life; one that is No longer rooted in martyrdom, co-dependency or depleting myself into chronic illness and an early death.

Dr. Jung cautioned us about the consequences of Not bringing our unconscious pattering into our conscious awareness:

how we would simply call our suffering “fate.”

I decided: I am no longer interested in continuing patterns I know are harmful, to not just me, but to anyone in my life; to those that I love & those I aspire to serve.

I have decided to extend myself the room to slowly move away from this life-long way of being rather than expect it to change overnight, especially with those I am closest to, those I have the most long-standing relationships with. I know our patterns are well-worn. Our grooves are deep.

I also know that I do Not want to resent the people I love.

I want to feel healthy, at ease, alive & inspired. I want to feel ‘at choice.’ I want to create & share my gifts; the ones uniquely given only to me,

as yours have been uniquely created & given only to you.

Which is not to say that we don’t share gifts in common, rather that we all bring them to the world in our own ‘one in creation’ way.

✨I want to give freely from a place of overflow, not resentment or depletion.✨

And so, for me, much as it’s taken me years to get here, I am now excited to share that I am actively taking care of my own needs! I intentionally acknowledge that I have a “self,” & I’m not shying away from needing, wanting & declaring the need & want to care for her!

Further, I am a champion for consulting my Heart,♥️ asking her “and how are you today? Is there something that you need? (Which is also why I love to also ask you the same at the outset of these letters.😉💞)

And of course I can’t always stop, drop & meet every need like I am a wailing newborn 😂 (though sometimes I do 😉). I now know that by even intentionally setting aside several small moments each day to simply “pause” & check in with myself, I am partaking in a form of heart care, a type of ‘self-tending.’

(I wear totems: rings or bracelets to remind me to check in with myself, if even just to breathe, look off in the distance, do a posture, tap, play a song, take a walk, grab a beverage, be in nature for a few, touch something, smell something, place my hand on my heart etc.)

Sometimes, on busy days, I’ll set an alarm. Often, I have ‘containers’ set up in advance on my calendar. (Like Maya Stein’s or the one I’m in with Sarah Tacy. I have others to choose from too: “lives” with spiritual teacher Cathy Heller, or my Gabby Bernstein app, many portals for meditation & yoga, for education, for reading. There are others I’ve mentioned before & of course so many right here on Substack, where I could literally live my days away just reading & writing & reading some more.)

I continually remind myself to treat all of this, these beautiful “resources” as a “menu of options,” rather than a “list of things I am failing to get to,” complete, partake in (which is, of course, my default.😉)

And mostly, I do my Minimum Daily Requirements (MDR’s) (those self-selected nurturing practices that can take between 10mins or an hour, depending on my day.)

I repeatedly remind myself to not let rigidity or perfectionism become enemies to my simply being human. I am allowing my effort to be enough, to call it a win.

I do all of this because of how I want to feel & how I want to live~ with intention, not confusing my ‘to-do list’ with my genuine priorities for this life of mine.

I do this because I can Not Give from a state of Depletion.

I submit that You cannot either. I’ll add the caveat:

At least not without consequence.

Depletion- gosh! *This word! SUCH juicy territory. I’m realizing it’s really worthy of its own post, but it’s not gonna be in this moment. Ha!

So I’ll just offer up a few angles for you to ponder & then step down off my soapbox. 🫣 At least on depletion anyway.😂 I have a few things to share on the fear centers & how they impact our behaviors.

But first, for word nerds like me, here are various avenues for looking at the word DEPLETION. (Maybe it invites some deeper thought or inspires some writing for you on the topic! Hope so!)

“Definition of Depletion as in

decrease in the amount by which something is lessened

the kind of catastrophic illness that can make a sizable depletion in a family's savings.” Merriam-Webster

“Depletion is the using up of natural resources extracted from a mineral property by mining, drilling, quarrying stone, or cutting timber. The depletion deduction allows an owner or operator to account for the reduction of the mineral property’s value or basis as a result of the extraction of the natural resource.” Tax Depletion

“Depletion is the exhaustion of natural resources as a result of their removal.”Engineering/Economic depletion

“Ozone layer depletion is the thinning of the ozone layer present in the upper atmosphere. This happens when the chlorine and bromine atoms in the atmosphere come in contact with ozone and destroy the ozone molecules. One chlorine can destroy 100,000 molecules of ozone. It is destroyed more quickly than it is created.” Ozone Depletion

“Medically, "depletion" refers to a reduction or loss of body fluids, blood, chemical constituents, or stored materials, often resulting in a debilitated state. It's important to distinguish between dehydration (loss of total body water) and volume depletion (reduction in extracellular fluid volume), which have different causes, symptoms, and treatments.” AI (Sources: Merck, NIH, Pubmed, Pubmed, Merriam-Webster)

Well, maybe that was overkill, or maybe you found it interesting? 😂

Ok either way. Really. I will share with you that while this subject matter of the nervous system is always alive & relevant in my personal life and work, I realized the topic of “over-giving” & self-care worked their way into THE POEM 🖋️ I’m sharing with you, just below.

(Cuz yeah, if you’re maybe scrolling to the top wondering, “Huh? Wasn’t’ this supposed to be about Grace, yes, & it’s coming. Promise.)

But first, I guess I felt called to write this out, to share more directly on this topic. It feels so relevant right now as many of us may feel called to ‘do something,’ to help in whatever ways we can: those who are worse off, the oppressed, the silenced, the abused.

And I champion this. Truly. I have spent my entire life in caregiving & advocacy. I have participated in social wars that aligned with my values & conscience on a grass roots level in both paid and unpaid roles and I don’t regret one moment of it.

AND. Right now, I Also Honor having reached a place where my capacity has changed. The way my participation currently needs to be, can be, at this time in my life, is different.

In order to be of any use to anyone, in order to Not actually drain our collective system even further, I NEED to Care for Myself.

If you’re currently struggling as I was: struggling to Not shame myself for not being able to do more, give more, be more, & feel better all the while not recognizing anything that was happening to me, within me, or around me,

Please allow me to share with you:

Having lived with my own nervous system’s ‘default settings,’ and studying all that I have now about our physiologic hard-wiring, I have learned,

while we 100% CAN change (nearly anything we’d like to about our behavior),

we will also 100% RESIST anything that feels unsafe, evennn when it is SO GOOD;

even when it is So ultimately Healthy for US;

even when it would lead us to a more evolved, satisfying, fulfilled life;

even when it would possibly enhance the lives of those around us & beyond us.

And I just have to say that without this premise for why this is so, it’s so easy to turn our behavior into a story about will-power, laziness, or weakness;

to throw out some shame-inducing words like ‘co-dependency,’

or even to cite our childhood, blame our parents, or any number of things.

(Which is of course Not At All to say we are Not Impacted by our environments, our rearing, or by what happens to us).

I just want to say that I believe the most soul-damaging thing to do is to blame ourselves; to call ourselves “broken,” to feel we are not “enough,” or somehow unworthy; to judge the merit of our existence solely based upon our ‘outputs.’

Because the truth is, our capacity to change, (to give, or receive) it’s largely rooted in biology. (I am Not say entirely, but our Nervous Systems, they are master keys).

At the same time, we are Not doomed to our DNA or epi-genetic blueprint either.

No. We are Absolutely Not. 🤗

Some Quick Fear Center Facts:

(which I’ll re-visit again and again in this newsletter)

• Our autonomic security systems (outside of our conscious control) were laid down with a bias for fear, & for negativity. (And btw~we need anywhere from 3-5 positives for every 1 single negative-at a minimum, to foster our well-being, & maintain healthy connections).

• Our threat detection centers were made efficiently and crudely with coding that didn’t yet have nuance that our future, higher order brain development would have preferred. No.

• To our brain stem, & specific regions such as: our peri-aqueductal gray area, reticular formation & then later (though still 300 million years ago; 500 in early mammals)

• our hypothalamus, pituitary & adrenal axis, & then regions involved in neuroception, & later, our insula and vagus nerve,

• there were just 2 positions on the dial: safe or under threat.

• This was slightly expanded to then include: safe, dangerous, or life-threatening

• & we are still largely here today; though we can mediate these threat detectors by “signaling safety” through the BODY & vagus nerve, and through intentional social engagement with safe others.

• Tiny interesting fact: When the much older regions of our brains are receiving automatic (out of our conscious control) signals of threat (whether accurate or not), blood is literally siphoned away from our pre-frontal cortex, from our social engagement centers, from the regions of our brain that take in sensory data🤯, that help regulate our emotions, & impulse control.

• Think about that! Blood & oxygen are literally robbed from the very regions that would help us: PAUSE, (breathe) NOTICE, (reflect) & CHOOSE (our best response).

• Blood is instead flooded to regions that ‘react,’ revert to ‘auto-pilot,’ run our ‘threat suppression programming.’

• I mean, I ‘get it.’ We can’t stop to ponder whether or not to run from a tiger.

• And Our threat systems are brilliant; simply brilliantly built mechanisms for our survival.

• However, what of thriving & contributing? What of sovereignty & connection?

I’ll tackle more on all that & the copious nuance of our nervous systems in forthcoming missives, but for today, just know that:

It makes perfect sense. Whatever you’ve done to survive, & however you are currently coping, or have coped, it has brought you to this moment. Your brilliant nervous system has been with you through it all. It’s with you still.

With *this frame, we can Choose to extend ourselves some compassion.

And to further this endeavor, I want to emphasize that to our nervous systems,

Anything NEW is ‘coded’ as ‘unsafe,’ (at least at first.)

Familiar =Safe to the amygdala (the alarm bell of the nervous system) even when it isn’t.

You’ve heard the expression living in our ‘comfort zone?’ Well, to that I say, Ha! Are we Really comfortable? Or are we just existing in familiar territory? Rather than a place of comfort per se, is it not, more accurately a “known zone?” I believe credit to Kate Northrop for that precise expression, though it could be Cathy Heller. No matter, it’s a place where we are, in fact, still breathing, but not truly ‘alive,’

Not if alive means fully “tuned in and turned on” (& that *is a “Cathy Heller” expression) to our vitality, to the fullness of ourselves: body, heart, mind, spirit, soul.

I won’t speak for everyone certainly, but a lot of humans can relate to this ‘known zone.’

And I just wanted to say that given all of this, & much else, maybe we try to extend ourselves some Grace?

Is it a little more possible perhaps, if we see how 300 million years ago, our brain stems were coded for surviving, not thriving?

So I offer us the invitation to soften a bit on our expectations as we come to realize our emotional brains took another 100-200 million more years to come on the scene.

To consider: what might it mean as we assess our capacity to act in our own best interest when we account for the fact that our higher order cognitive development, that of the prefrontal cortex, happened 50 million years ago in primates, & a mere 2 million ago in the first humans, compared to our brain stems’ security system that came on the scene hundreds of millions of years earlier. (I’m not a math wizard, but sounds like there’s a bit of catching up to do!😂)

In truth, it has only been in the last 300,000 (as in thousand, not million years) that our brains have reached their current size,

& thus have a complexity that allows for advanced reasoning, cultural adaptations, & language development. And science tells us that it is still evolving. (Whew!😉)

So. Our capacity to ferret out what’s best, to plan, to regulate our emotions & quell immediate gratification over our intense ‘drivers’ (like food, sex, approval), to mediate our more complex desires, social interactions, judgment, cooperation, morality, etc. well, maybe we recognize the need to be a little patient, work with ourselves; treat our bodies like the magic wands they truly are. Magic wands because bodies don’t lie. They talk to us & their aim is to keep us “safe.”

(And all of this is not me saying, to hell with it! 🤪 Let’s all be Neanderthals! 😂 Nor am I saying, ‘let’s excuse all shitty, off the wall behavior in the name of our ancient reptile brain.’) No. Of course not.

Rather, this is me recognizing the thread, & the resultant responsibility it bears of ‘doing better once one knows better’ & sharing this with you~

the link & value I now see between something like Gabor Mate’s theory rooted in “compassionate inquiry” & even Richard Swart’s “systems theory,” where we invite and accept all the ‘parts’ of us with unmet needs as methodologies that vitally connect to our Nervous Systems, & that promote our felt safety.

Where I’ve been having ah-ha! moments for some time about the nervous system & somatic based work as missing keys, I’m now making further connections as to why some particular practices & approaches ‘work’ better than others.

This is me realizing that being mean to ourselves, shaming, blaming &/or harshly judging ourselves does Not assist the goal of us rising up to live our fullest lives; lives where we no longer unconsciously sabotage, escape, fight, become riddled with disease, or tap out.

So. Along with working in my private practice with clients, I’ve been patiently teaching myself new ways right along with them. Well, let me be honest. I’m actually not alwaysss so patient, 🤪 at least not with myself. I’m much, much better with others, But I’m trying.

Along with being conscious, I also have a “why” this matters to me (which helps to root this whole endeavor in purpose & identity).

*And research shows us rooting desired behavior change in our identities & a chosen purpose helps increase our chances of sticking with things when they get tough.

(To re-share my “why”: Loosely, I practice tending my nervous system because I want to live a life rooted in vitality & ease where my passion for creating & heart-centered living are inspirational fuel for my soul’s highest calling),

(my soul’s highest calling, right now anyway, seems to be centered around sharing, teaching, counseling, listening, mothering, tending, writing, creating, learning, exploring, & having ever-expanding experiences that grow me, even if these experiences aren’t all that pleasant at the time.)

All of this necessitates I tend to my nervous system like my life depends on it (because it does 😉),

I’ve typed a lot already 🤪 & I want to share my Poem, (below) so for today, I’ll just leave you with one more thing I’m doing differently.

[While I have lots more soothing rituals, & nervous system tools to bring to you, I’m pondering how I want to make that easy & fun to absorb!

So Please Feel free to share with me any ideas, suggestions, or places you’d like me to start. Perhaps a challenge you keep re-visiting that might benefit from a ‘pattern update’ to signal safety, or complete a cycle?]

So the one new thing:

I’m inviting more curiosity & compassion into my self-talk. I’m using words like, “I wonder…” “Hmm…that’s interesting.” I’m noticing when I’ve fallen back into an old behavior & instead of judging myself, or when I *do hear myself get critical or *judgy, I’m trying to remember that judgement is a form of low level “fight” energy, of sympathetic arousal,

so I ask myself the golden question:

“Is there something I (or my body) need right now?”

I’ve noticed, above all else, when I go easier on myself, when I tend to my own needs, I FEEL more at ease in my body, I can think more broadly, & whatya know, I even have more bandwidth for others. 🤷‍♀️😂

Give it a try, I’d love to know your thoughts, questions! How is your self talk? Do you have any body-based or other practices that nourish you, soothe you, signal safety for you when distressed?

And now, my…perhaps ‘Poem’ isn’t the best word considering length? Prose Piece? (You’ll recognize the beginning is similar to another “right here, right now” piece, and this is because we begin with where we are & where I’ve been writing has included this same candle. 🕯️ It’s nearly done though, so stay tuned for what’s up next! 😂

A Hologram of Grace

(then, there; here, now)

(after Maya Stein’s “Right here, right now” prompt)

Right here, right now, my “Southern Welcome” candle flickers with the scent of “mamas marmalade cakes,”

an 1803 apothecary fragrance concoction (according to the glass jar and it’s brown paper wrapping.)

Right here, right now, I’m surrounded, both by comforts and “helpers of sorts,”potions and creams;

some sweet, like the whipped cream and cinnamon in my coffee

and others, disguises,

like my “artist to go pallet” of terra-cottas and pinks

that I haven’t quite finished

applying because I stayed up too late reading other writers

snippets of steamy sex scenes

with constraint:

‘no mention of the word sex, no explicit body parts.’

This makes me think of what we leave off, all that’s left undone, unheard, unseen.

Sometimes white space is a breath of fresh air,

a ‘necessary resuscitation.’

And don’t we all, after all, need room

to pause, consider?

Lately I’ve been craving

this

as much as a warm body, kind eyes, and a heart

I can feel

across miles, and miles

as it opens

and vibrates,

attunes,

to just the rhythms

I’m needing,

which, let me come clean,

is always changing,

sometimes erratic,

and do I expect a revival or coherence?

Right here, right now, there’s a full tissue box to my left and a tall Tumblr of lemon water to my right.

I imagine both will be empty

before days end,

and what else is there to say?

Maya and her community of poets

help sustain me.

And I mustn’t forget

my hard copy

of Brianna Wies’ “The Pivot Year: 365 days to become

the person you truly want

to be.”

I read it like a Bible.

I write like it might save my life,

after loss, after loss,

after trauma, after betrayal,

after loss,

I need to re-orient.

Where am I? Who am I?

And this world, this world.

How to remain

alive

without numbing out

the unbearable?

Right here, right now, “I must/I can’t”

is a “category 5 hurricane”

my body is doing its best

to accommodate without dying.

My fascia screams, sets fires in revolt.

Still,

somehow, I remember today

is the feast of Saint Patrick,

the namesake of a favorite Aunt, “Patsy.” Her birthday is tomorrow. Right here, right now, though she will be gone 7 years this June, I see her smiling. I remember her running me out a little yellow satchel full of snacks for the lunch she was sure I’d otherwise miss. I see her smooth and swift in her Kelly green. I remember how I almost ran her over that morning, dropping off my puppy and baby girl.

Of course my harried pace was unsustainable.

Of course there would be consequences.

Lean in and I’ll tell you the truth is,

right here, right now, I face the jury of my many selves & trial has lasted a long time.

And while some ‘wise whisper’ tells me my testimony is finally wrapping up,

I wonder,

Will I receive Mercy or Justice?

Will there be Atonement or Compassion?

Can I find Grace either way?

Will She find me,

in spite of everything?

I fear the deliberations will be awhile,

but here, now,

I feel

an invitation vibrating, an echo.

It carries a voice, all the way from a hospital bed, where long ago, leukemia was having its way with her,

this childlike aunt of mine,

one who jumped rope & rode a bicycle at 75, played hopscotch & pretend, loved car washes, & spoke to animals; the very same who put salt in her beer, a few times a year, (& only with a slice of pizza on the side)

this Aunt who never outgrew giggles or gratitude in equal measure, yet somehow I also never once heard complain: I see a holograph of her now, & here, today, it’s become a holy reminder:

It’s her, in a hospital bed, gazing up at the TV. I am next to her in a rocking chair. She is weary, yet her face wears the utmost concern for the images of: children, war, poverty.

Right here, right now, it occurs to me my Aunt Patsy’s Mama’s name, my Gramma’s, is “Grace.”

I see her lips part, mouth fall open & she gently, slowly moves her head side to side as she turns to me. Her eyes hold me, as she says:

“We are so blessed Colly. So blessed.”

Sending you my loving light ✨through my fingertips my friend. May you find moments to tend to your body & heart, and when your mind is unkind to you, may you remember to offer it compassion. May you find Grace where you least expect it.

Thank you for your time, for your eyes on my words. They are a gift you give to me.

Xo,

Colleen